I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
