I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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