I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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