i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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