i just wanna soil my oats bro
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
