I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
