Capitaan dildo arrescate!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
