I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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