Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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