how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
