if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
