Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
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The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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