i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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