the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
did you just send me my own nude
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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