Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
