at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
