Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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