i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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