the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
