there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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