not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
