so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
