I think i sorta joined a cult last night
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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