When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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