I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
