he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
