I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
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Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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