Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
