Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
