He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
only if we run a train.
done.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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