i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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