I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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