we have pet lesbian snakes
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
