i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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