You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
