First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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