Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
