Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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