it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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