She went from zero to smokin in five shots
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
