I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
