How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
