You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
