he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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