she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
