It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
