just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
