the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
