Buhtt sex?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
