I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish you could order shots online.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
