Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
