I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
