she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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