Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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